I've always thought of myself as a good story teller. I feel like our short existence can sometimes be measured by the stories we can tell when it's all over.
Taking the road less traveled often means that you'll also have a unique story to go with your journey. The more I take the road less traveled the more interesting my life has become. I'm a young professional living in the Washington, DC Metropolitan area and I want to share my stories of nights out, women, disasters, and much more.
Open bars can be very dangerous if you don't know what you're doing. It's the same reason why being a kid in a candy store ever became a metaphor... For the uninitiated, being presented with too many possible options can create the need to go out and try everything as many times as possible. Because who knows when you'll be able to imbibe to your hearts content like some type of hedonist, Right? But your stomach has a very limited amount of space of where to put all of this stuff... For an amateur, your mind and body disconnect when presented with the idea "Infinite," limitless or endless in space, extent, or size; impossible to measure or calculate. Rationalizing how and why you can handle an inexplicable amount of alcohol becomes a real thing but often that comes too late and at a price... when you've already gotten too far up shit creek without a paddle and you never even got a chance to try the sour gummi worms.
For those of us that have been in this type of free candy storm, we have a leg up on the competition. Here's a few quick things to keep in mind when taking the plunge into the open bar. A lot of this should be pretty self explanatory but here it is anyway:
1). Pace Yourself: It's marathon, not a sprint
If you've made it to an open bar opportunity then chances are it's not your first time drinking- if it is then stay out of my fucking way. But realize that you have a natural tendency in most other places to take a bit more of a leisurely stroll into drunkenness because there is no urgency whatsoever to slam drinks into your face. Ten shots within the first 20 minutes sounds great in theory but will probably end up steering you into a non-functional tailspin as your struggle to not to sound too drunk or stumble by hour number two. Short bursts and a steady jogging pace will prove to get you the furthers.
2). Don't fill up on bread: Don't bother with the cheap stuff if you can get better
There's a reason all you can eat Brazilian steak houses have really nice salad bars... Find out what you can choose from. If you have options ranging from top to bottom, don't fill up on rail drinks or piss beer. That stuff not only gives you the heavier hangover but it also doesn't make sense if you're someone who seldom splurges for the higher end stuff- if it's there, try it. I don't drink alcohol for the taste, but if I am choosing between Old crow and Jameson, it's no contest.
3).Know Your Audience: And know yourself
Is this a Dive / College Bar? If yes, then drink like an animal and don't look back because even if you shit your pants and drink somebody else's puke while having an emotional breakdown, you're still not going to be the most embarrassed person there by the end of the night. Place yourself in a place that your not going to be surrounded by idiots at all times. Meet strangers, talk about things you don't understand, and enjoy
Is it an office Christmas party or a place that oozes with judgement that can effect you politically or professionally? Then have two drinks and find a way to say hello briefly to everyone that matters and the few that don't so people know you came. All the people who were there know they saw you at some point and you're free to make an Irish goodbye at anytime. Most people don't know how to drink with co-workers much less their upper management. If you feel that it's in poor form to leave early then at least act like you know how to handle the sauce. If none of the people can effect you personally or financially, fuck it. Get as drunk as possible until the second person has asked you to leave.
4) Logistics: Don't fuck with the help and pay attention to the time
Know how to work the Venue/Bartender. If you're in the drink like an animal type of place and you see they're being cheap with pours, then be-friend the bartender to get faster service. Tip heavy early and set yourself up in place where you can get quick access to the bar. DO NOT insult the bartender- even if they're a fucking chimp with tits. If it takes 20 minutes to get a drink then grab two or more at a time thus you can hold onto one and continue to drink when you're ready to go back for another. Places sometimes do an hour open bar and it's done so that you can't reach the bar often enough to fill up more than twice. Getting your money's worth in a situation that is designed to shaft you via firm deadlines can be tricky. Proper positioning is key and make sure to go to the same bartender that seems to be giving out the most drinks. If you don't care about how much drinks are going to weigh on your wallet, then fuck you.
Recently, I sat down and seriously tried to analyze what I'm looking for in the opposite sex to come to terms with why I'm regularly finding myself in such dire straights. As I worked out what was important to me in a woman, I began to realize that the things I wanted were in short supply. Now I know I'm no day at the beach but I'm pretty sure I'm not chopped liver either. I guess this was more so to find out what I want before I started going after it.
I don't think I'm still single because all the good ones are taken, it's not because I'm too picky, or even because I'm unable to be in a relationship. I think I may be searching for a nearly impossible combination of traits and characteristics. After reading a slew of articles about women bitching and moaning about the men these days, I figured I'd be up for the challenge of listing a few desired female character traits that have all but disappeared. Here are my top three shortcomings of women whose disappearance/scarcity/non-existence has plagued my dating life as well as some ideas on how to resolve their absences.
1). What is a girl with a sense of humor?:
"Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing." - William James
I've learned that a GOOD sense of humor is exceptionally hard to find. Many consider it a form of intelligence or even a form of art if done well enough. Being female and funny has always been a bit of an awkward juggling act. And no, I'm not looking for the type of god-awful laugh-track-laced forced-fed sitcomy jokes you and your retard friends seem to like so bad. And that goes double for any female lead-role movie that has a girl tripping over something in the trailer... fucking idiots. See another example: here
I'm talking about finding the woman that actually has something in the way of wit. There are many different kinds of humor that genuinely illicit laughter without it being at someone else's expense or whose nature isn't the same stupid played out theme like above.
I will stick around for the girl that has curious observations, genuinely clever responses, or even the girl whose comedy spark comes from spontaneity via interactions with strangers resulting in adventures worthy of telling its story. But they're about as common as reasonable female grooming habits in Portland, OR.
Check out an amazing article from the late Christopher Hitchens, Why Women Aren't Funny. Hitchens was an outspoken atheist with a knack for putting nutcase religious "scholars" in verbal paralysis with simple quips and logical counterpoints. As best I can tell he's never expressed anything in the way of a sexist perspective in regards to evolution, but this article makes some valid points.
Hitchens simply explains that it's hard to find an equal representation of "funny" women because there's not that inherent biological need. Men once and still use humor to boost status and overcome their physical short comings by appealing to the affection's of the mind. Yes it would seem that if you were able to make a girl laugh and were competing against a mate of similar worth and/or stature then you would have an advantage. He does note that there are funny women out there, many of which don't even have to look like Rosanne Bar... they're just in short supply. I've often heard that most the great comedians of this world suffered great hardships and came from broken beginnings to find their success later. A very Nietzschean idea when you think about it. Hitchens explains that men tend to have a bit more coarse path to walk as they progress into adulthood, thereby we seem to use humor more often to relieve the harshness of life.
How do we fix this?
A refreshing perspective on "funny women" comes from a blog I discovered a few weeks ago. In her article, "Five Things Every Funny Girl Should Know," Julia Hass explains that women are afraid to be funny (or at least try) because it might pull them out of the running to be considered "dating material." Contrary to what the shitty magazines tell you, it's a good thing to be funny. Maintaining your "mysterious persona" by deferring to one word answers only clouds how the opposite sex views your level of interest and it certinely doesn't succeed in pulling anyone in. People (both men and women) need you to spell things out for them these days. We've gotten really bad as a society at reading gestures because we all think that there is a clear subtext/definition to every move/gesture/text/call we make. So don't afraid to try and be funny, it's actually endearing even if you suck at it.
For those that really need the help, here's a straight forward article that defines twelve types of humor and how its used. The idea here being that you can recognize a moment to insert your own humor and before you know it- you're doing it, you're actually becoming a funny person. Make me laugh slut~!
2). Too Pretty for a Personality?:
"It's a bubble of free drinks, kindness, and outdoor sex." -30 Rock
Do you have any idea how hard it is to talk to brick wall? Some of the prettiest women I've ever dated, hung out with, or just met in passing also happen to be some of the most boring and uninteresting people in the world. But Why?
Imagine being told your entire life that you're incredibly pretty and everyone (not just the opposite sex) hangs on your every word. Those that fall into this this elite group manage this disparity by deferring to the fact that they're just "cooler" than everyone else. It must be tough being pretty, right? But the fact remains that you can't really have much in the way of a half-decent conversation if no one has ever disagreed with you.
In an episode of 30 Rock, the concept of "the handsome bubble" is discussed. The idea is that when you're of a certain level of good looking, you don't need anything other than your looks- when you're gorgeous enough, things just happen for you. The show cleverly highlights this phenomenon when it occurs in men (which pretty much never happens but that's the joke ).
The problem with being in this bubble is that it begets a dangerous line of thinking. The idea is that you've been told that you're ostensibly perfect for as long as you can remember. After a while, you begin to believe the traits others have projected onto you are in fact the real thing. This is why the women in this category never make good conversationalist. If the conversation drifts off of them for even a moment, they lose interest. This is also why these vapid women also assume that it is within a reasonable request to demand men buy their shots or drinks at the bar. Living life with rose colored lenses must be a dream... And yet sadly, as men we feed into this laughable nightmare because we're probably thinking we might catch the vapors of what it's like to finally have arm candy.
I came across an article out of the Business Insider titled, "Beautiful People Are Boring [Study]," that highlighted this very issue, "the problems encountered in conversation with beautiful people: stupidity and vanity rarely contribute much to wit and creativity." If these people spend most of their years trying to conform to what's cool, how engaging can they really be?
"The grizzled and gargoyle-like Parisian chanteur, and legendary lover, Serge Gainsbourg always used to pick up the ugliest girls at parties. This was not simply because predatory male folklore insists that ill-favoured women will be more “grateful”, but because Gainsbourg, a stylish contrarian, knew that the conversation would be better, the uglier the girl."
I've always thought that late bloomers were the best types of girls to date. These were the girls that didn't grow up as one of the cool kids therefore they didn't spend as much time in hot pursuit of notoriety. In spending less time focusing on the latest turgid stream of bullshit that many of their peers wrapped themselves up in, they were off doing things they enjoyed. By being on the outside of this group they also learned real human emotions and character traits like empathy, friendship, and... humor! Fucking crazy right!? When these girls finally come into their more attractive figure after high school, they don't possess all of the ignorance and entitlement that so often comes with a pretty face.
This is not to say a pretty face equates to boring company. I'm just saying that I'm not the only person whose noticed a correlation, so I'm usually a little apprehensive when I start a conversation with a strikingly attractive woman these days.
How do we fix this?
The system is broken. But there are work-arounds.
The most simple answer is don't be boring. How about that? Take a look at this piece, "How To Be More Interesting (In 10 Simple Steps)" from Forbes Magazine. This article was drawn up to be as simple as the minds it was written for. It's in plain English: go do stuff! And no, redbox movies and a bottle of wine do not count as "activities."
3). Normal social dynamics take a back seat to reality... Reality TV that is
"Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience." -Mark Twain
Spoiler alert! Most television programs today are complete and utter shit. What's worse is that the reality shows are making a larger impact than we think. It just so happens that these types of shows are often the cheapest to produce and even easier to manipulate with a little bit of editing. So why is it that this useless garbage is some of the most popular programming on Television? It's the same reason everyone slows down after passing a car wreck on the highway, we want to lay witness to disasters and calamity. But what if it were actually rewiring our brains?
In psychology there is a term for this, it's called Cultivation theory. This theory suggests that "those who spend more time watching television are more likely to perceive the real world in ways that reflect the most common and recurrent messages of the television world." Thus if you see people constantly acting like sociopaths and lunatics then you overtime begin to rationalize that lunacy as regular/normal behavior. You are what you eat in regards to what types of "stimulating" entertainment you languish onto your brain. And as someone that doesn't use this brand of mental bleach, I feel like I'm either falling behind or I've pulled too far ahead.
There's a study out of Ohio State University that is suggesting reality television is changing our behavior based on the notion that we're mirroring what we see on TV. So as a result women (and many men) have not only picked up the mannerisms and vernacular but they're also walking around with a deranged and warped sense of reality. If many of these reality shows focus on the "asshole," then it's not a far reach to assume your inability to handle simple human interaction with strangers has shifted as well. These shows teach people that you will get the most attention (and respect) from those around you if you act like the biggest utterly self-obsessed and belligerent thunder-cunt you can be.
Is this why women who live in near me in the Washington DC area are so pleasant? Re-enacting the shit you've seen on TV onto perfect strangers and then momentarily tuning your own boring life into some bizarre reality TV with the zingers you've been holding onto for years is not okay; nor is it attractive. What's worse is that even a lighter shade of this behavior involves a profound level of self absorption and delusional perceptions of grandeur. It actually creates a toxic environment for most anyone else that comes into your orbit. Take it a step even further and this psychotic act actually has a name, it's called The Truman Show Delusion (this is a real thing).
Don't spoil your precious grey matter with fictitious revelations based on a the interactions you witnessed on a show about people from New Jersey. Don't set unrealistic expectations of a courting process that include horseback riding on a beach for a first date. And don't speak to me like you're a world renown chef rescuing my restaurant or a talent judge that believes only warbling my next song will get me to the next round. How do we fix this?
Stop plugging your brain with stupid shit?
-Bachelor/Bachelorette, talent shows, anything on MTV, TLC... maybe take a break from TV..?
Discussion of these shows fits practically nowhere in the social scene, so instead of slowing down for the burning wreck on the side of the road, take the scenic route. Find something stimulating and flip off the rubber-neckers from your ivory tower in I'mHavingFunTalkingToThisGirlVille... it's a town. How you ask?
Try finding a cool book? http://www.nytimes.com/best-sellers-books/
Not a big book person? Start small in an area of interest- hell even short stories or blogs will do.
And lastly if all else fails, how about going to the gym for a little bit fat ass?
I know this might catch some people the wrong way and I assure you I'm not writing to get anyone's panties in a bunch. I'm just piecing together what I've noticed is missing out there and what I'd wish for if I had the chance. Maybe I'm totally wrong and should just let the chips fall where they may, but I'd sure like it a lot more if the odds were in my favor the next time I meet someone new.
Misunderstandings shape about half of my world. As someone who considers themselves a "good" communicator I find myself more often in these positions than others.
This past Sunday my room mate and I got picked up by two friends heading to a pool cook-out party outside of our friends apartment complex. I was still exhausted and somewhat drunk from an entire day and night of debauchery coming to an end just hours earlier. I hadn't managed to pick up any alcohol for the event so I asked my buddy driving to stop at a liquor store before we got to the apartment. I hate showing up without booze because it makes me feel like a moocher I actually prefer to stick to liquor if I can help it anyway.
We stopped across the street from a liquor store and I headed in solo while my room mate went to a nearby McDonald's to "destroy a bathroom."
I walked in and went down the first isle and quickly found my Jack Daniels for the day. After a trip down two more isles I began feeling stupid for getting confused by the layout. I stopped and scanned the place for someone working there. Not far from the register, currently spacing out was a light skinned Moroccan man. He was wearing dark black pants and a dark black turtle neck (in the middle of summer) and as I approached he continued to blankly stare towards the back wall of the store.
"Excuse me." I said breaking his concentration as he slowly lowered his eyes towards me, "Hey, where's your Jäger at?"
The man squinted at me, "Huh?"
"I'm looking for Jäger." I repeated
The man's aloof attitude quickly shifted to anger, as he pointed at himself and said with a thick accent "Whose nigger?"
"What?!" NO!" I said, my eyes darted around the store quickly in hopes there might be a third party walking around that would easily be able to help clear this up.
Nobody else was in the store.
I wasn't sure if he thought I was asking for a friend of his or he thought I was requesting a type of liquor with a very progressive marketing strategy or maybe he thought I was straight out calling him names. Nobody else was there to back me up on the existence of a liquor that sounds like racial slur to him, so I had to think fast.
"You know Jäger! Like Jägermeister? It has a deer on the bottle." And I put two fingers on either sides of my head above my ears and struck a slightly squatted pose with my head tilted upwards like a deer. I know, I was still drunk and I suppose I thought that this would help. More likely he probably thought I was calling him the devil.
He shook his head and didn't seem amused, "What?"
I turned and walked down a third isle of the liquor store and within a moment I spotted the familiar green bottle on a bottom shelf.
As I reached to grab one of the bottles, he called after me, "Oh Jägerrrr! It's where your hand is."
-Which I thought was helpful.
We both chuckled a little bit as he rang me up. We had one of those cultural misunderstanding moments where we both kind of nodded and air-elbow each at one another after we realize what's happened. It hadn't occurred to me until I was already back in the car, but I missed a prime opportunity to fuck with this guy. The next time this ever happens to me again... (because why wouldn't it right?) before I walk out the door, I'll shake my head at the guy disapprovingly and yell out in a redneck voice, "You Fuckin' Jäger!"
That would have blown this guys fucking mind... next time.
